Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Weekly Life Plan

I don't know how I'm going to die, but I'm pretty sure my eventual death could have been easily avoided by the use of common sense. To that end, I've always thought I might end up the tragic victim of a suspect cult. My natural weak-minded, unquestioning nature coupled with a crippling inability to make decisions makes me a shoe-in!

....But last night I watched a documentary that changed my mind about cult life forever:
Jarvis didn't dream small; he dared to DREAM BIG. I may not be freakishly lanky but I've got big hair and I can DREAM BIG too!

I'm not going to just join a cult; I'm gonna be a cult leader!

And my cult's gonna be the biggest, bestest cult ever! Know why? KNOW WHY? 'Cause I'm not gonna pretend like it's not a cult. Too many cults make the classic, "rookie cult" mistake of hastily rejecting the "cult label." This gives miserable outsiders the chance to cry outrage over "human rights" and less-dedicated members the chance to feel confused, betrayed or bankrupt. Here come the lawsuits! And there goes your undeserved millions. It's a cultleaders second-greatest fear.

At Do What Rachel Says Farm we won't sugar-coat things. There's a no bullshit policy*. And drugs, lots and lots of drugs.

Yes, the happiness we offer illusory. We're upfront about that. But you won't care unless you resist! And why resist, really. I mean seriously, why? To preserve your individuality? Well I hope you enjoy your doubt-filled autonomy with its scary choices and consequences. Meanwhile your Cultmates™ will spend bliss-filled days literally ecstatic to shell peas for the Righteous Cause.

And anyway, can you prove strenuous, unpaid labor isn't the surest way to achieving serenity? No, no you can't. I'm doing everyone a favor by making me rich! So that's my life plan for bettering the world. This week.

*Initially. Policy may change based on Cultmate ranking


  1. I CANNOT wait to shell peas!!! Yeah yeah yeah! :D

  2. Oh Rachel! I always wanted to join a cult. Oh what a euphoric feeling it must be to not be in control of my own actions.

    I think it is time for me to take control of my own life by letting someone else take control.


  4. It looks like being in a cult has only intensified Courtney's irrational rage.