Would I Tell Everybody If It WASN'T True?

To me, the perfect chocolate chip cookie has a crisp, sturdy exterior covered in wrinkles and crevices. But the inside should be gooey, a molten chocolate mess- almost liquid when hot. The cookie itself should have a taste, buttery and salty, and not be completely overshadowed by the chocolate. They shouldn't be flat but not at all cake-like either. And finally, they should STAY DELICIOUS the next day. Maybe tender instead of crisp but not stale and bland. Which is inevitably what happens to my chocolate chip cookies. Oh, the many times I thought I'd finally achieved perfection only to be betrayed the next day by a box of pretty, tasteless cookies.

And really, I don't think my requirements for The Perfect Chocolate Chip Cookie are unreasonable. They certainly certainly seem achievable, like something that really ought to exist in the real world. But like a cute, mustard yellow, adult-sized corduroy jumper, these cookies seemed to exist only in my mind. WELL NO LONGER! 'Cause I did it, I made perfect ones. True, they're probably unnecessarily fussy and complicated (just like me) but DAMMIT THEY'RE GOOD! They're a combination of my favorite chocolate chip cookies from my former life when I thought perfection was unachievable:
- Libbie's mom posted a wonderful chocolate chip cookie recipe with pulverized oats which taste and look lovely but didn't stay fresh. (For me, 'cause I'm not innately perfect like the Henries- I HAVE TO WORK AT IT!)
-And Jacques Torres's which is French and complicated and perfectly suited for Friday nights when all I want to do is make something that takes hours and listen to glam rock. Plus they're good.
I liked both but neither was absolutely perfect. So I combined them, making the ingredients list longer than the Seine. (Pow! Geography comedy, coming at you!) Honestly, I don't think adding the oats was as important as the size of the cookies. I've always fought my instincts to make recklessly huge cookies but I think the largeness is what allows them to be crispy and crackly on top while still gooey inside. So here it is:

Super Fussy Chocolate Chip Cookies:

• 1 pound unsalted butter
• 1 3/4 cups granulated sugar
• 2 1/4 cups packed light-brown sugar
• 4 large eggs
• 2 cups plus 2 tablespoons cake flour or 4 T cornstarch and 2 c. All purpose flour *
• 2 cups bread flour
• 1 cup pulverized oats
  
• 1 tablespoon salt
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
• about 18 oz. chocolate - the bigger the chunks the better**
  
• pinch of cinnamon (my preference)
  

* in lieu of pastry flour which is what Jacques's recipe calls for. To make cake flour replace 2 T of all purpose flour with cornstarch per cup of all purpose flour.
** I think I used a 12 oz. bag semisweet chocolate chunks and about half a 12 oz. bag of milk chocolate chips. This was my idea of a perfect ratio but I like my cookies chocolatey.

To make:
Cream butter, then sugars, and cinnamon if you're using it. Beat until light yellow and fluffy. Then add eggs one at a time and then vanilla extract (I like to use 1/2 almond extract too). Sift dry ingredients together in a separate bowl and mix on a low speed until just combined. Stir in chocolate. Then chill for as long as possible. I did an hour- you're supposed to wait 36. Then make obscenely huge cookies. Jacques says golf ball sized. Mine weren't quite that big but they still worked. Bake at 350 F for about 12-20 minutes (you'll need to watch them since the time depends on the size). Rejoice! For a long time 'cause this makes a crapload. Probably about 60 4-5 inch cookies. I would have halved it except my girlish brain didn't want to do the math.

Don't Let Reality Happen to YOU!

IT seems that every time I've finally decided to renounce my old ways and finally, finally start anew something miraculous (or close enough) occurs and I am more firmly dedicated to never changing.
I do occasionally wonder if my deification of celebrities is really as proactive/not detrimental to my emotional stability as I tell myself it is. Maybe now that I'm twenty and properly an adult* I ought to start living in the scary real world. A world where NBA stars don't leap out of bed in the morning, high-fiving a dozen orphans and performing a series of complicated aerobatics before gracefully landing on the ground. After all, I don't want to end up a mother-murdering psychopath because I can't remember if the actuality is the clay sculptures of celebrities I made myself or my human family.**
And sometimes I come to another scary conclusion: What if baking, the joy of my soul, my deepest passion, blah blah blah is merely a distraction from the Big Important Plan to do something Very Important and Incredible (and vague!) with my life. What if I never become a famous, famous chef and the billions of people on this planet will never get to know how perfect and amazing I am? What if my True Purpose doesn't even involve being filthy rich? What if it's dirty charity work? But then...something happens and I am reassured.
I might even post the recipe later!

* Kidding! Everyone knows adulthood is a myth!
**The last time I saw Heavenly Creatures the parallels between my life and theirs scared me enough to briefly consider taking down the post-it note halo and angel wings I stuck to my Steve Nash poster. God, I'm sorry Steve! I know You will forgive me, but I'm still sorry!

Proud Non-reader

I know Libbie, I haven't updated in a while. I don't want to give people the impression that I'm not being totally awesome and perfect all the time ('cause I definitely am!). It's just that I'm so, so unfathomably busy achieving at life I don't have time to blog! Hahaha, crazy! I guess I'm just like Kanye: I don't "read" "books" -I'm out there actually experiencing life! Of course I skillfully document all these achievements with my photography. Can you imagine doing things without taking pictures? Talk about Crazy!
Here are some pictures to prove how perfect I am:


God, sometimes I'm so perfect it hurts! It hurts!



I have to go apply for a job now but before I do I'd like to highlight how incredibly EMPLOYABLE I am because I'm not sure that's coming across on this blog. Okay sure, I may not be what you call "traditionally employable" but I work so hard! And I don't even need to be payed in money! Diet coke and table scraps! That's all Rachel needs! Hire me!

Blood Stain Solutions

On principle, I don’t regret things because I believe the ability to experience remorse denotes a weakness of character that prevents us from achieving greatness (because of “responsibility to fellow man” “compassion” blah, blah, whatever) Heck, I’d even go so far as to reckon that the concept of remorse was created by THE GOVERNEMENT to subdued slave-citizens into obeying arbitrary laws such as, “Killing your superiors is an illegal means of career advancement.” Morality is unnatural! Does the might Komodo Dragon feel “remorse” as the crimson streams of glorious blood pour forth from the neck of his freshest slaughter? No he does not! And is he not the truly the mightiest of all lizards, king of the reptile species? Yes he is! Do you not wish to join him in his glorious feasting, unhindered by remorse?

Which brings me to my point: questions. I’d love to know YOUR answer to the above question, but I can’t! Because I’m not talking to you (whoever you are) I’m rocking back and forth, laughing quietly into the dark night. Alone and vulnerable in my apartment. I WISH I KNEW THE ANSWER BUT I DON’T! If only I could ask questions and get feedback by some web-based internet system! Like some sort of “online” poll! Oh polls- that’s where I was going with this! I wish (not regret) I had figured out how to do polls for my New Zealand blog. Cause it would have been totally fun, right? ANSWER NOW!